Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Recovery - Still

Well today is week 5 from my recent surgery. Many have asked what exact surgery did I have- it was a hysterectomy. It was not able to be laparoscopic so that has made recovery longer (and harder). They also found out I had endometriosis and had scar tissue everywhere- which required a much longer surgery- what was to be an hour to an hour and half turned into a little more than six hours. They ended up saying some organs were not where they were suppose to be so they have me back better than when I went in surgery. I had to have a blood transfusion (which was my second one for July). Anyway........... enough of that!

I am feeling a lot better each day. I am still slow and sore. Lifting is what seems to be the hardest thing. Well other than my emotions. I cry a whole lot right now. Part they say is my hormones, part psychological- being a social and working woman and being taken out of that and grieving the finality the surgery brings to my life. Although I have been told for a while they didn't think I could have children I have held on to the hope secretly inside for a miracle baby. That hope is gone and my heart is broken. I have read a lot lately about God closing and opening the womb on blogs, devotions and all the talk about make the choice for life (of which we are HUGE supporters). I know we all have something we wonder about and if when we get to heaven if it would matter we would ask (which I know then it will not matter) but my husband and I desire children and I wonder why not us. I know God sees the big picture but I will just be honest it hurts. We are also at a standstill on trying to adopt two little girls. My heart wonders why we don't know what to do about that either. I am praying hard God will show us what to do.

One of the things that always amazes me is despite not being able to have children the Lord has called me to Children's Ministry. So I often like to think that no I do not have one or two children I have hundreds at church. I treasure my time with them and thank God for those relationships. It does take some of the sting away.

Please pray as God continues to heal me physically but also emotionally.

Pleases pray God will make it clear to Mike and I about the adoption we are pursuing. We are discouraged but do not want that to be a lack of faithfulness or Satan trying to attack me especially when I am already a little down.


Triathamom said...

I am moved to tears by your transparency!! The Varnells love you so much, Tara. You are a special friend to us. We will keep lifting you up in prayer & will try to bear your burden with you.

Christine said...

I am so sorry Tara. I did wonder what was going on but wanted to respect your privacy. Thank you for being so open. I will continue to pray that the adoption can proceed in a timely fashion. I can't imagine how your heart must be grieving. I will pray for you.
Christine @ Live to Learn

Laura said...

I LOVE,LOVE,LOVE you my sweet friend. I pray for you daily. We as a family pray for you, Mr. Mike, and the girls. I look forward to our Nicaragua trip and selfishly the time we will have together. Big (((HUGS))) to you!